Hello hello and welcome back to part 2 of our hopefully never ending series of Soviet era jokes. As we stated back in Part 1 the jokes were collected, translated and published by the late Professor Mark Perakh and published in his book Under the Covers. So, without further ado. Lets begin!
A Party secretary delivers a pep talk to the factory workers. “So, comrades, our goal is to catch up and then surpass and overtake the USA, the most developed capitalist country. Any questions?”
“I’ve a suggestion,” one worker says.
“Good, comrade! Party always wants you to be politically active. What’s your suggestion?”
“I think it’s good to catch up. But not to overtake.”
“If we do, they will see our naked asses through the holes in our pants. “
The government is discussing what to do to ensure sufficient supply of food. One minister suggests, “Let’s make war to the USA. They will defeat us and then they will feed us.”
Another minister replies, “Don’t you know what dunderheads are our generals? What if they defeat the Americans? How shall we than solve the food problem?”
In the Olympics, a Soviet hammer thrower set a new record. Correspondents interviewed him.
“How did you manage to hurl that hammer so far?”
“If it were together with a sickle, I would send it twice as far.”
Joke 1.48 – Seven paradoxes of the socialist state:
Nobody works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves; nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.
A boy asked his father a ruble as in his school money was being collected to donate to the starving people of an African country.
“They don’t need our money,” the father said. “Their climate is excellent, the soil fertile, they must have everything they may dream of.”
Next day, the boy said, “Father, the teacher said this money is to help the Communist party in that African country.”
“Ah,” the father said. “Here are two rubles. If they have a Communist Party, then they certainly have starving people.”
Joke 1.72 – Before increasing prices for vodka, the government conducted a survey in a factory.
“Would you buy vodka if it were twenty rubles a bottle?”
“And for forty rubles a bottle?”
“How about one hundred fifty rubles a bottle?”
“No, our salary is only one hundred forty…. If, though, you increased the salary…. then we would.”
A woman walks into a food store. “Do you have any meat?”
“No, we don’t.”
“What about milk?”
“We only deal with meat. Across the street there is that store where they have no milk.”
1.96 Two former schoolmates met in the street.
“Where do you work?”
“I am a school teacher. And what about you?”
“I work for the KGB.”
“Oh, and what are you doing at the KGB?”
“We unearth those who are dissatisfied.”
“You mean, there are also some who are satisfied?”
“Those who are satisfied are dealt with by the Division for the Fight Against the Embezzlements of the Socialist Property.”
A ship sank in the ocean. A Russian, a Frenchman and an American wound up on an island inhabited by cannibals. The aborigines’ chief said, “Name something we don’t have, and we’ll spare you. If you can’t name it, we’ll eat you.”
“You’ve no blondes,” the French man said. The chief laughed, and a blonde girl was brought in. The Frenchman was at once made into steaks.
“You’ve no computers,” the American said. The chief laughed, produced a laptop computer, and the American was at once made into mincemeat.
The Russian said, “Do you have a Politburo?”
The chief frowned, the cannibals thought for long time, but finally admitted they had no Politburo. Then the Russian wondered, “If you have no Politburo, who taught you to devour people?”
Joke 1.119 – An old man and his grandson look at the river from the shore.
“Grandpa, is this place called Chernobyl? Is it true here was once a nuclear plant?”
“Yes, my boy,” the grandfather said and patted the boy on the boy’s head.
“And did it explode one day?”
“Yes, my boy,” and the grandfather patted the boy’s second head.
That is all for now folks, many more to follow at a later date!