Here we are with part 3 of the Soviet Jokes series. Today we are moving onto the second chapter of the book Under the Covers by Mark Perakh. So let’s begin!
A telephone rings in Brezhnev’s office. Brezhnev takes the receiver and says, “Our dear comrade Brezhnev is listening.”
Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper’s office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.
“Comrade Khrushchev among pigs,” “Comrade Khrushchev and pigs,” “Pigs around comrade Khrushchev,” — all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is “The third from left – comrade Khrushchev.”
During the war, Stalin discussed with Marshal Zhukov the plans for a new offensive. “What do you think, comrade Zhukov, what direction should we choose for the attack?”
“West, comrade Stalin.”
“Go and think, comrade Zhukov!”
As Zhukov walked out, he muttered, “What a pig!”
Stalin’s secretary Poskrebyshev overheard the Marshal and reported to Stalin. Zhukov was ordered back to Stalin’s office.
“Whom did you have in mind when you said ‘What a pig?’ Stalin asked.
“Of course, I meant Hitler,” Zhukov said.
“Then whom did you have in mind, comrade Poskrebyshev?” Stalin said.
A CIA agent was sent to Russia during the cold war with a task to inflict as much damage on the Russian adversary as possible. For several years the CIA did not hear from him. Then one day he showed up at the CIA, and reported to his superior, “I believe I did a really good job.”
“If you mean all that happened in Chernobyl….”
“Oh, no, boss. I was not involved in minor damages. I accomplished something much more efficient. I succeeded in putting one Mikhail Gorbachev in the position of their main honcho.”
An American came as a tourist to the USSR, where he met a Soviet worker who was very poor. The visitor said to the Russian, “Do as I did. I went to the White House in Washington and started eating hay. The President came out and asked why I was doing such a strange thing. I told the President that I was so poor I couldn’t afford to buy food. The President helped me, and now I have everything.”
The Russian worker went to the Red Square in Moscow and started eating hay. Chairman Khrushchev walked out and asked what was the matter. The worker explained his situation. Khrushchev said, “You better save hay for winter. We expect a hard, cold winter. Now you can eat grass!”
Comrade Gorbachev summoned Soviet scientists and said, “Those Americans landed on the Moon long time ago. We must surpass them. The Party decided that our cosmonauts will land on the Sun!”
“But, comrade General Secretary, they will burn there!”
“We’re not fools here in the Politburo. They’ll land there in nighttime.”